"YOU READING THIS, BE READY."

      This is not a post full of things to do to help you live the end of your high school life to the fullest. You don't need my advice to come up with ideas like "Sleep on the football field the night before you graduate!" "Hold a breakfast to see your friends one last time!" or "Tag the school with your name to commemorate your attendance!" (Which btw, those ideas all suck because 1. Turf isn't comfortable to sleep on, 2. You can't serve pork burritos or grilled cheese sandwiches at breakfast, 3. Vandalism isn't cool. ) What this post is about, is the painful and scary transition from high school to college, because this is a subject obtuse enough to ellicit an advisory message. So here's a bunch of stuff that I wish someone had told me/I wish I had listened to when someone did tell me...

1. This time between high school and college is a lot of things. It's exciting, it's scary, it's sad, and it's boring. You get to embark on a new adventure. You aren't sure what to expect. You miss your old routine. Your friends have gone new directions and you feel like you have nothing to do. All of these things, and anything else you're feeling is valid, and meant to be embraced. My experience with high school was a rocky one, and as such, I was anticipating feeling nothing but relief at high school ending and excitement for college to begin. However, as you can likely guess, this was not the case. I felt an entire spectrum of emotions in the interim period between the two academic experiences, and I was initially alienated by it. I tried to push these unanticipated emotions away, only to realize that this method wouldn't work. You can't push them away forever, so allow yourself to feel what you need to feel right now. Because I finally accepted these feelings of nostalgia for high school and fear for college, I was able to work through them and let them run their course, allowing myself to begin university life with a clean emotional palate. This is a dynamic time, unlike any other, and as such, it elicits emotions unlike any other. Don't sell yourself short by picking and choosing your feelings-- let them be present, and let yourself learn from them.

2. So you've gone to orientation, and you're ready to register for classes. (Also, sidenote: may your orientation be infinitely better than mine. I was sick with tonsillitis, I unknowingly registered for the same session as an enemy of mine, and I took my student ID photo with smeared makeup from the previous night. At one point, I ended up hiding from said enemy in a potted fern, and at another point ended up with a bloody nose and fainting spells in the middle of the night. But, don't worry, your experience with orientation will be great! *Insert nervous laughter here.*) Back to the point: registering for classes. Please, please, please choose classes that you're actually interested in! Don't base your schedule off of your friends' schedules. Sure it can be nice to take some gen-eds with comrades, or maybe a non-descript class like yoga or ballet barre, but by all means, don't base your degree off of your buddies' degrees. In multiple cases, peers of mine have chosen their major because it was what their friends were majoring in. This is so stupid. Not only is it completely unoriginal and a lazy copout of unique thought, it's logistically idiotic. Yeah right now it might seem okay to be majoring in something you hate, because your friends are there and they make it bearable! But what happens in five or so years when you graduate, you and your friends go separate ways, and you're stuck with a career that you hate? Most likely you won't be working for the same company as your friends are, and if they were the only reason you majored in what you did, you're a sitting duck. (Or toast, or screwed, or downstream without a paddle, or whatever phrase for doomed that you prefer.) Selecting courses that I'm genuinely interested in has benefitted me in a few ways. 1. I have unique insight to contribute to conversations. With an individual course load, comes the ability to make individual input! As the only one of my friends majoring in History and Writing and Rhetoric, I'm able to discuss things relating to this field that my friends aren't. Just like they're able to discuss things pertaining to Anthropology, Sociology, Biology, Medicine, Graphic Design, etc, etc, etc that I'm unable to. 2. Being alone in classes has forced me to meet new people. Without the crutch of pre-existing friendships, I've had to reach out to those around me, and as a result, I've formed new relationships, both platonic and romantic, that I really value. If nothing in this section has inspired you to take an original course load, thing of it this way: you're paying an arm and a leg to attend a university, and you might as well get your money's worth by taking classes that interest you. (Still not inspired? Listen to "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac. If this doesn't help, you're beyond help and please stop reading my blog because you disgust me.)

3. Go to college for an education. Yes, extracurriculars are fun and important, but don't make them your reason for attending a university. Put your classes first and foremost, and allow social life to follow in suit. In regard to the socialization, I highly recommend balancing it between on campus and off campus. I think that if you spend too much time on campus, you get lost in the "college bubble" and sell yourself short of the experiences matriculated in "the real world." On the contrary, I feel like if you spend all your time off campus, you miss out on the quintessential vibe that college and only college offers. Find a balance that works for you, and don't feel like you need to subscribe to just one motif or lifestyle. Take bits and pieces from different college experiences and incorporate them into yourself, avoiding the temptation to put yourself in a box. Also sidenote: I didn't do a sorority, and was completely fine and happy with that decision. It's extremely easy to find friends, activities, social edification, and a niche without taking part in Greek life. That being said, I know people who have really melded well with rushing, so don't rule it out just because I think it's dumb. (As if anything I say here will sway you one way or another...who am I kidding, I'm only that powerful in my mind.)

4. Do the reading! OMG do the reading! You'll meet plenty of people who don't read the assigned chapters, let alone even purchase the textbook-- don't listen to their proselyting!!! Not only will you be able to perform fabulously in class by supplementing lectures with back story from your books, you'll be able to incorporate knowledge from your books into everyday conversation! Yay for smart people and smart words! (An intentionally dumb sentence, fear not.) If nothing else, bring your books to a coffee shop, put in earphones, talk to no one, and look pretentious AF while perusing your linguistics manual. It's fun, I promise.

5. Money, Money, Money! This trio of words isn't just the refrain of an ABBA song, it's a real-life issue for collegiates! College is extremely expensive, and it most likely always will be. But, you can shave off some of that expense by seeking financial aid. Why pay more than you have to? (Right now you're remembering those FAFSA pamphlets given to you by your high school counselor. You know the ones. Their covers featured a group of alleged teens who were actually thirty year old washed up actors and actresses, all wearing ill-fitting bootcut jeans and generic t shirts, with conversation bubbles that read things like, "Hey guys, have you applied for FAFSA yet? It's easy and a great way to save money!" DON'T DENY THAT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!) But really, scholarships/financial aid is awesome. It's available, and yeah, it's work to apply for, but worth it. Don't be ashamed of seeking assistance, be proud of your prowess in writing personal statements. (My personal statement was basically, "Hi, I'm Samantha, please give me money.")

6. Stay organized! There's a lot going on in college. I've successfully been a full-time student while also working 30 hour work-weeks, and I've been able to do this thanks to organization. Many others are in the same situation as I, often working much more and taking much harder classes than me. They will likely also tell you that organization is key. Listen to us. Liiiiiiiisten to us! Get organized, via whatever method works for you. I tried the traditional bulky planner method, as well as the phone calendar method, but neither worked for me. I never remembered/wanted to haul around a heavy planner and my love/hate relationship with my phone made the technology method out of the question. What's worked for me is to use a Microsoft Word document to plan my week. I created a graphic organizer with textboxes and tables to hold all my week's information, customizing it to the things I had going on. I'd print one out at the beginning of the week, and then fill in the information as my week progressed.

7. Make wise decisions. Unfortunately, we live in a world where despite all efforts to be safe, you can still be harmed. However, dangerous situations can largely be avoided by making considerate choices. Give yourself every advantage to be safe. 1. Don't consume things that you haven't opened yourself. Drink and eat only out of sealed packages that you have personally opened. Don't dip into communal bowls. Take Lorelai Gilmore's advice, and be the snack-refiller, allowing you to open the sealed package, grab a handful, and then dump the rest into the nasty free-for-all container. Basically, as Ariana says, attend parties with the mindset that someone is trying to poison you, and be conscious of any way that someone could do that. 2. Once you've gotten your self-opened rations, keep them safe by guarding them. Don't set your drink down, and if you do, don't pick it up-- get a new one. Also: keep your hand over the top of it to protect it from getting tainted. 3. Bring friends with you to events. Obviously there will be times where you go to things alone-- something not only necessary, but also exciting, as it helps you become independent and aware of yourself. However, when possible, attend things in a duo or group. At the very least, text a friend or parent to let them know your whereabouts. Should anything suspicious arise, they know where to look for you. 4. Try to schedule your classes in daylight hours. Be especially mindful of this guideline in regard to winter hours when it gets dark earlier. If you do take night classes, be safe about it. Pay to park in a closer lot than your usual one, carry pepper spray with you, take a well-lit and populated route even if it means it's a longer one than normal, and don't hesitate to request campus security officers to accompany you to your destination. 5. Drinking and drugs are dangerous, and I encourage you strongly to minimize use of them, especially considering you're in a time of life when it's integral for your brain to function highly and wholly.

8. College involves a lot of walking! Campuses are often spread apart, and taking the shuttle is a waste of time. Unless you're pulling the weight of seven thousand oxen, you can easily walk faster than it moves, and it's extremely unreliable, often leaving you stranded in the glaring desert heat, while a strange man mutters Madonna lyrics next to you. (Personal anecdote available upon request.) As such, resign yourself to a life of walking, and invest in a good backpack, good shoes, and good jacket! As far as backpacks go, look for one with more than sufficient back and shoulder support and plenty of storage. I really like my North Face one-- I find that it's comfortable even when loaded with the weight of my textbook library, and easily fits any supplies that I need. As far as things to pack in it, I recommend a waterbottle, some energizing and non-persihable snacks, headphones and iPod, pens and pencils, highlighters, touch-screen compatible gloves, an umbrella, lotion, hand-sanitizer, chapstick, and some personal reading material. In regard to shoes, invest in some for various weather conditions! For dry climate days, I like these Frye flats or these Chaco sandals. For wet conditions, I like these Sorel boots. Choose something that's easy to clean, long-lasting, and obviously comfortable. And finally, in regard to jackets, select a waterproof option that easily folds up to store in your backpack. I have this North Face one, and have found the sole drawback to be that my boyfriend mocks me for not choosing a more obscure brand. (The only downside of dating an outdoorsy man and gear aficionado, right here, folks.)

9. Only stay in touch with high school people if you want to. Don't put an expectation on syourself to associate with people you never liked. One reward of finishing high school is that you essentially never again have to see the people that you disliked. It's pretty awesome to select who from your past you spend time with-- no longer being confined with them against your will from the hours of 7:30 am to 2:10 pm. But then there are those people-- teachers and peers alike, who you really connected with. Fight to keep that connection alive. Saying cliches like "Oh I miss you, let's do lunch soon!" isn't enough. Act on those phrases by really scheduling time to be with old friends. The relationships with them aren't ones that can continue to stay alive with passive effort-- they require active thought and pursuit. However, the extra planning and follow-through is worth it, when you have friendly faces to comfort you through the trials you'll inevitably face. (Yes, spilling hot-chocolate on your crotch while driving to school is a trial.)

10. Endure. College is hard-- people weren't exaggerating when they told you that. The stakes are high, the hours are rough, and the material is obtuse. But they also weren't lying when they told you it was worth it. The personal edification and confidence I've attained from attending a university is unparalleled, and I'm incredibly grateful that I made the decision to attend. A few days before my first semester, I was presented with an opportunity to follow a very different path than the one I'd planned for--this new path was one of travel and adventure and excitement, all in all, an extraordinary opportunity and one that I was seriously contemplating pursuing. Until this point, my going to college was something that I'd always been planning on, the precedent of attendance and graduation having been set by my siblings and encouraged rightly so by my parents. It was an obvious step in my future, the same way going to elementary, junior high, and high school were. There wasn't any other alternative of value until this moment. For the first time ever, I was presented with another choice-- one that was admirable and desirable on many levels, and one that probably would have brought me happiness and self-discovery. However, I obviously chose college, and this is a decision that I haven't regretted at all. I honestly think college provides experiences that are unattainable elsewhere, and I encourage you to pursue it even if the odds are against you, or if something else seems exciting. In all possibility, choosing that other path would have been fine and I would still live a life to be proud of. What my choice came down to wasn't what was 'right' or 'wrong' or expected of me by others. It was what I felt best about. I've found that although it's incredibly challenging, college has provided me with exceptional happiness and guidance, and I'm supremely grateful that I listened to myself and chose this path. So, if you feel that college is right for you, trust in that, and stick with it. Even in the hard times. (Cliche, yeah. Deal with it.)

To conclude, I offer the timeless advice of William Stafford, in his poem, "You Reading This, Be Ready."

You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember?

How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?

What scent of old wood hovers, what softened

sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world

than the breathing respect that you carry

wherever you go right now? Are you waiting

for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this 

new glimpse that you found; carry into evening

all that you want from this day. This interval you spent

reading or hearing this, keep it for life –

What can anyone give you greater than now,

starting here, right in this room, when you turn around?

  William Stafford

Be ready for this next chapter, and live it intentionally. Soak up the flittering freedom, radical discovery, and chiseled memories that this time offers you. For never again, will the now be the now.

Aaaaaand, remember to document it all with A+ selfies like this one, from my first day of college. Wouldn't want to forget my habit of wearing sunglasses indoors, or what the bathroom in my English building looked like!!! (Sarcastic? Not sarcastic? You'll never know.)

5 BY 5 BY 5 BY 5 BY 5

FIVE RANDOM THOUGHTS:
1. I consider one of my most victorious moments to be when Hector gave me free Horchata last week. After religiously consuming his food at a minimum bi-weekly rate for some years now, he has finally deemed me worthy of his generosity, and a greater honor I do not know. This powerful moment is only rivaled by the time that I successfully coiled climbing rope without it looking like a bedraggled octopus. It's a toss-up.
2. I don't know if I even want to have children someday. The idea of being responsible for someone's well-being is a bit daunting. But I do know that if I do have them, one of my main parental pursuits will be to establish a rule about wearing band t-shirts. I do declare, on this day, that my children must be able to recite the album names, release dates, and cover artworks of at least 50% of a band's work, before they are allowed to wear said band's t-shirt.
3. My most severe fear is driving next to semi-trucks.
4. I've lived in the same city my entire life. Born and bred as an SLC girl. Yet after all this time, I'm still captivated each day by the mountains that this city offers me. The mothering Foothills, the crags of Mt. Olympus... my breath is consistently taken away by the diverse ranges that rim the valley.
5. My most-used word is "agreed", which explains why I wasn't on the debate team.

FIVE THINGS TO PURCHASE:
1. This High Impact Double-Layer Sports Bra from Forever 21. I think that I may have fallen in love with this item. The double layering makes it an ideal choice for intense work-outs, I love the pretty style of the criss-cross straps, and the material holds up extremely well. I've worn it while running, hiking, doing yoga, climbing, as well as sleeping, and it's been awesome every time. And for under $15? Buy 2! ($14.90, forever21.com)

2. The Dragon's Egg Bath Bomb from Lush Cosmetics. Lush stores finally came to Utah a few years ago, and I've been throwing money at them ever since. Considering soaking in warm water is my number one stress-reduction technique, it's no surprise that I practically worship Lush's products. They have everything, from shampoo to perfume, but the bath bombs are my favorite. This one in particular is a whimsically therapeutic mix of glitter, fizz, and a citrus scent somewhat akin to Froot Loops. Enough said. ($6.25, lush.com)

3. This Passion Tea by Tazo. Ariana introduced me to this magic elixir, and I've been hooked ever since. I like it iced, but have no doubt that it's equally awesome served steamy. I get mine at Whole Foods, where it runs about $4.25/20 tea bags, but it's available on Amazon for even cheaper. And, bonus! It's non-caffeinated, for all my non-caffeinated homies out there. ($3.52, amazon.com)

4. These Organic Bunny Fruit Snacks by Annie's. My love affair with Annie's products began at a young age, upon trying the company's macaroni and cheese. The love affair was only furthered upon tasting these delicious rabbit-shaped fruit snacks. As someone with the palette of a 5 year old, I'm a fruit snack enthusiast, and thus I have the authority to hereby deem these as the mecca of the entire fruit snack realm. Try these, and you'll have reached fruit-snack nirvana. The flavors are fresh and bright, the texture is soft and gummy, and if you don't feel your heart melt upon looking at how adorable the little bunnies are... well then you're beyond help. ($17.21, amazon.com)

5. The Watervibes Socks by Stance. I received a pair of these as a gift, and have been gifting them to myself ever since. In addition to being a fruit snack enthusiast, I'm also a sock enthusiast. (I know what you're thinking, and yes, I really am a renaissance woman.) Any socks that I purchase must hold up to the following standards: 1. Comfortable, 2. Durable, 3. Cute, 4. Breathable, Yet Warm, 5. Thin Enough to Wear With Chacos. These socks accommodate all five demands!!! And with countless styles, you too can become a sock enthusiast. ($16.00, stance.com)

FIVE SONGS TO LISTEN TO:
1. "Sleepwalk" by Santo & Johnny
An instant transport to Waikiki in the 1950s, this song emulates caressing sunshine, billowing waves, and holding hands with someone who only has eyes for you, and who you only have eyes for. (In case you were wondering, this review confirms that I'm still a 100% cheeseball.)
2. "Eleanor Rigby with Julia Transition" by The Beatles
I honestly don't know of a more beautiful song out there. Sure, the mainframe of Eleanor Rigby is a well-known classic, but have you heard this version? It comes from the Love album, and it's powerfully transcendent. It literally takes my breath away. When the Julia transition starts, I find my breath resting at its peak like it does in a Ujjayi breath sequence. The flittering reverie mixed with the turbulent spiraling is the closest audial depiction of spectrum of human emotion that I've ever experienced.
3. "Nighttiming" by Coconut Records
The beginning of this song sounds similar to the Seinfeld jingle. That in and of itself is enough to make this track a sure winner. But, wait! There's more! This song also features easily memorizable lyrics, a climactic violin crescendo, and the cedar-y voice of Jason Schwartzman.
4. "Heart-Shaped Box" by Nirvana
I know. I know, I know what you're thinking. Nirvana? Really? YOU GUYS. REALLY! I know that it's cliche. I know that this isn't an obscure track that I'm recommending. I know that you're currently imagining me wearing the wasted flannel shirts and tattered jeans so associated with the Seattle Scene. (Really though, my hair slightly resembles Chris Cornell's of Soundgarden, so maybe I am intrinsically connected with Grunge without even trying??? A girl can only dream.) But guys, seriously this song is a masterpiece of angst and thoughtfulness.
5. "Glass Off" by The Bangkok Starters
It's rare that so much wisdom can stem from a song without lyrics, but this song achieves just that. I find that it kindly conveys the message of sadness being a healthy emotion. And I like that a lot.

FIVE PEOPLE TO EMULATE:
1. Jeff Clark
Jeff is a big-wave surfer, famous for surfing Northern California's "Mavericks." Yeah, it's admirable to emulate Jeff's bravery, commitment, and skill that allow him to surf waves that measure in at 50+ feet. But what's really admirable to emulate is Jeff's genuine motive. He surfed Mavericks for 15 years without recognition. 15 years! He wasn't doing it for fame, popularity, or endorsement deals. He was surfing Mavericks because he loved doing it. Doing what we love for the sheer purpose of personal edification is a motive to be proud of.
2. Randy Stewart
Randy is my mythology professor. He holds an impressive amount of knowledge regarding the classical cultures of Greece and Rome, and teaches with wisdom and authority. Obviously his academia is impressive, but what's more impressive is the way he treats others. Randy has a heart that is open to learn from those around him. He approaches relationships with the respectful mindset that everyone he meets has a valuable contribution to make in this life. This allows him to see the good in people, instead of resorting to tired preconceptions and judgment.
3. Juliet Capulet
Juliet is arguably one of Shakespeare's most inspirational characters. I so fiercely admire the dichotomous nature of her personality. She had a great deal of passion, while also having a great deal of thought. Often times we see one without the other. Passion, with no common sense, or thought, with no excitement. Juliet had both. She pursued her heart's desire, aka Romeo, while also using logic, responsibility, and consideration. Unfortunately, it didn't quite work out for her. Still, her balance between the two is utterly respectable.
4. Vera Wang
Vera, man. She's a winner. I was watching a video on YouTube, I don't remember what it was.. probably a video about cats or Hillary Clinton, and the pre-video ad featured Vera! She was discussing her line of clothing that was just released at Kohl's, (which, btw, why do designers always choose Kohl's as a mainstream market for their wares?) But anyways, she told a story about how she became matriculated into the world of fashion, and I found it highly inspirational. She recounts how she was working at a high end clothing store, and one day the editor of Vogue came in to shop. Impressed with Vera's eye for piecing together outfits, the editor told Vera that once she'd accumulated more experience, she would hire her at Vogue. Home from work, Vera told her mother about her encounter with Vogue's editor, and that the editor had promised Vera a job. Her mother told her not to count on it, that the editor was probably not serious, but merely flattering young Vera. Vera proved the age-old adage of "mother-knows-best" wrong, by refusing to believe these maternally cautionary words. Vera trusted that she DID have talent, that she DID belong in the fashion world, and that she WOULD succeed. This confident attitude has been an obvious element of her skyrocketing success in style. You go, Vera Wang. (Shameless Mean Girls reference.)
5. Mindy Kaling
Mindy-fans, unite! I'm a dedicated follower of this wise sage, raving about her television roles as well as her literary prowess made evident in the semi-recent publication of "Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me and Other Concerns." Also rave-worthy? Mindy's interviews. Watch any of her appearances on late night talk shows, behind the scenes expositions, etc, and you'll fall fast in love with her. I adore the way she refuses to be marginalized into the category of "Funny Indian Woman," instead demanding to be placed rightfully in the category of "Funny People." She's not funny for an Indian woman, she's funny for a person. She deserves a spot right up there Jerry Seinfeld and Tina Fey. It's the same concept of when people say, "Oh she's good at skiing, for a girl." Like why can't the girl just be considered good at skiing, period? Why do we feel the need to marginalize her success into a small demographic category? Dumb. Anyways, go about your day with this Mindy quote in mind, "Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched."

FIVE THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND TODAY:
1. Be less possessive. The is no finite amount of love in this world. Avoid the urge to hold ownership over the things you care about-- instead opening up your heart to the concept that other people can love them just as much as you do. (i.e if someone starts listening to a band that you've been listening to for a decade, don't accost them with assertions of how it's YOUR band, not THEIRS. Resist the urge, Samantha, resist the urge... Love is infinite, not finite! Control yourself, Samantha!)
2. Commit. Commit to change. Commit to bettering yourself and the world around you. Commit to doing whatever makes your heart flutter with excitement and your mind search for ways to make it happen. Commit.
3. Subscribe to no stereotypes. Avoid profiling people by what you expect them to be like. In a slightly annoying, my mother was right, type of way, there really is more to people than what you initially see. Some of the humans I love the most, are ones that I didn't expect to love the most. Also avoid stereotyping yourself, don't put yourself in a box that limits your growth, your expression, your potential. You're limitless, baby!
4. Recognize the beauty around you. This life really is incredible. Notice the beautiful physical surroundings so coquettishly attached to springtime. Notice the beautiful smile of your sister. Notice the beautiful way that people's minds work in all different ways. And then do something about it! Noticing it is nice, but acknowledging it is better! Literally stop and smell the roses that line the courtyard of your math building. Tell that sister how much her soft smile brightened your dreary day. Discuss the unique ideas of the mind, with those around you.
5. Avoid talking in the middle of college lectures, especially if the subject matter regards Chipotle, double-dates, or LuluLemon. I'm looking at you, clump of sorority girls sitting next to me, I'm looking at you.

This is a photo of me and my sister's puppy, Indiana Jones, aka Indie. (Indie? Indy? Liza, how do you spell your dog's name???) Anyways, this photo of an adorable puppy seemed like the appropriate finale to a hopefully uplifting post. If the post sucked, maybe this photo makes up for it? You guys, look at her little nose!!! 

"SO, HOW ARE YOU?"

       I have a class that meets once a week, in the evenings. It's a discussion-based class about American Indians, taught by a professor whose hip-length, silvery grey hair, I seriously covet. One class session, we read a narrative written by a Navajo man. Said narrative argued that when Caucasian people say "How are you?",  they don't genuinely want to know. They say it out of habit, societal expectation, and mannerly etiquette. But they don't really want to know the answer. This resonated deeply with me, my soul nodding in agreement. Although I don't believe this practice is limited purely to White people, I do see it taking an active role in society. Think about it... how often does someone seem sincere in wanting to know how we are doing? How often does their voice actually spark with bubbling interest when posing the question? How often do their eyes actually meet yours in loyal devotion? How often do they actually allow their souls to emanate with openness, ready to receive whatever news you offer? Very rarely. In my experience, almost never. It's not really their fault though, because as the Navajo man argued, they've been groomed since day one to use this inquiry as a mere form of etiquette, not a genuine bonding tool. And it's not as if you're exempt from blame either, seeing as you rarely deviate from the scripted reply of "Oh, I'm good!" The only variations being perhaps a "I'm doing well!" or "I'm fine!" And so the monotony continues: them blandly asking, and you boringly replying.

     WHAT A WASTE!!! What a waste of time and energy! It's selling ourselves short, really. We sell ourselves short when we participate in either role, because really, we play both parts. Sometimes we are the listener, and other times the asker. And whatever role we're currently performing, we can have the power as dynamic humans, to fulfill it in a much more meaningful way. We're living, breathing, growing, learning, changing people. Yet, we can't seem to get past the tired parameters of this conversation role play. I reiterate: it's not out of maliciousness that we perform this way, it's just habit. We mean well, but we can do better. How much different would our world be, if we genuinely asked and genuinely answered? If we asked with empathy, respect, and genuine interest. And if we answered with thoughtfulness, trust, and genuine honesty. I'm willing to assert that our relationships would be exponentially more meaningful. (Okay math friends, probably don't run a stat progression on that statement, because I know that "exponentially"is a bold term to use in the math world...)

     

But really! What if instead of the conversation looking like this: 

ASKER: "Oh hi, how are you?"

ANSWERER: "I'm doing well! And you?"

ASKER: "Oh same, I'm good. Same old, same old." 

It looked like this: 

ASKER: "How are you doing lately?"

ANSWERER: "I'm alright. Feeling a little bit stressed with school though. It's hard." 

ASKER: "Oh wow, I bet. College is hard! I'm here though for anything you need! I take a yoga class on Thursday evenings, and it's great for decompressing from life's stresses. Would you like to come with me this week?"

ANSWERER: "Oh, I'd love to! Thank you so much!" 

     Alright, YES, that was a very cheesy example, I'll admit. But you get the idea! Don't you see how we sell ourselves short when we choose to perform either role with tired routine as opposed to active engagement? When we make the leap to choose the latter, we form bonds that, in my romantic outlook, are what life is really all about. Now, I'm not saying that when your over-eager classmate from Math 1090 asks about how you're doing, you have to pour your heart and soul out to her, but I am saying, that you can still choose to reply in a way that is actively engaged. Even if you're not comfortable with opening up to the person asking, you can say "I'm just working through some tough things right now." Or " Life is stressful, but I'm doing my best." So: take my advice, or don't. Life will go on, regardless of whether people break their blah conversation habits or not. But: having said that, wouldn't it be so much more interesting if they did break those habits? We each have a divine spark within us, and thus we each have unique, intelligent, beautiful things to share with each other. To share a quote that I wholly love: "We're all just walking each other home."Aren't we though? I won't get deep into religion, but I will say that I believe there was an existence before our time here on Earth. And I believe that when all is said and done, we will return to that existence. So why not walk each other home in an interesting way-- extending empathetic interest with each syllable we utter. 

     And so, to answer the question I got asked about 10 times today, I am doing alright. Right now, I'm sort of struggling with religion. It's a grey, confusing area, and one that I constantly think I figure out, only to realize that it will never be something that fits easily into the black and white filing system of my mind. Right now, I'm sort of struggling with being the youngest child in my family. It's painful to be far away from the siblings you grew up next to. It's painful to be the only unmarried one among gushing, happy couples. It's painful to try and carve my own way among the legends who preceded me. Right now, I'm sort of struggling with allowing myself to make mistakes. I want my life to be scheduled, and perfect, and consistent. But it never is. And for an obsessive person like me, that's hard. But today was beautiful, and beauty goes a long way. I woke up to rain pebbling against my rooftop. With tufty grey skies outside the windows, I enjoyed a lavish yoga practice, and a warm cup of frothed milk afterward.  I watched the Keira Knightly "Pride & Prejudice" and cheered as Elizabeth and Darcy walked toward each other in the dusty purple meadow-- their love overcoming all odds. Oh how I love happy endings. After my fill of Jane Austen, I drove downtown, visiting my favorite shops that glisten with eclectic odds and ends, and smell of patchouli and sandalwood. I apartment hunted for a bit, laughing as I saw a man dressed in a hazmat suit exit one of my potential listings. Maaaaaaybe not that one after all. And then, to top it all of, I lazily typed this post at my favorite library, while watching two men get in a fist fight over who had rights to the quiet room. Comedy at its finest. And all of this, while the rain kept falling. 

So, there you see, my answer to the question. May I have the bravery to always ask the quizzical question with sincere intent, and the bravery to answer it with the same intent. May we all. 

THE SUMMER OF 2012

Disclaimer: the following post pertains to depression. Depression is a highly personal thing, and I in no way am speaking for all people who have dealt with it. This is merely my own experience. I do not claim to sum up its entire essence, only the parts I'm familiar with. Continue, considering yourself warned.

     The summer of 2012 was hell for me. Some of you know this, some of you don't. I largely spent the summer in my bedroom-- lights off, shades drawn, covers pulled over my aching self. I did occasionally leave my cave, never becoming a total recluse. When I left, I faked my happiness, and I faked it well. I put on a persona of sunny cheer and pretended to be elated. My bubbly exterior was polar opposite to the roiling sadness I felt inside. On the exterior, I was a thriving, flittering 16 year old, glowing with the iconic promise of high school. On the interior, I was angry, self-loathing, and at times, suicidal. For a long time I told myself that I had a sickness like mono, or strep, or the flu. Yes, a sickness with a timetable, and with static symptoms, and with a definite cure. Yes, a sickness like this was what was causing me to feel so hopelessly low. Soon the sickness would go away and I'd go back to myself.
     It took about a month for me to accept that I didn't have mono. Or strep. Or the flu. I was depressed. And unlike those three maladies that provided quick, easy fixes, this was a bout so elusive, so complex, and so daunting, that it wasn't anything an antibiotic could solve. I slept a lot that summer. It was easier to sleep through my problems than to deal with them. If I was asleep, I didn't have to confront the issues that were causing my depression. If I was asleep, I could pretend I was happy. If I was asleep, I could pretend I was still myself. And therein, was the problem. I thought I was only myself if I was happy.
      I felt that I was only myself, only Samantha, when I was well and thriving and feeling good. This concept stemmed from the fact that for pretty much my entire life, I had been these things. My childhood was a cushy one-- my only tribulations being fighting with Eliza over who got to have the Beyond Pink Barbie, or fighting with my mother about letting me stay up until 11:00 to finish watching Cadet Kelly. Thus, I associated myself as being happy. I was the little sister-- constantly exuding energy, and bubbly cheer. I was my parents' baby, and I was determined to always be happy, in order to make them happy. I saw how hard it was for them when my siblings were upset, and I wanted to be the easy child that never caused that. Oh how naive I was. So, when for the first time in my life, I started to feel unhappiness, I panicked. The unhappiness was based upon high school drama-- friends, a boy, uncertainty about my future. Things that now, after experiencing much greater trials, seem like ant hills. However, at the time, they seemed like mountains. Compared to my sugary adolescence, these things were intensely difficult, and they brought me vast unhappiness. The situation only worsened, when I became alienated from my malcontent. Having categorized myself as eternally happy, I was disoriented by this new darkness. I quickly spiraled downward, becoming more and more angry, disappointed, and frustrated with my feelings. I felt like a failure for feeling sad, and I felt so unlike myself.

     Fast-forward two and half years, countless doses of anti-depressants, dozens of therapy appointments, and a lot of loving care from beautiful people, and things have changed vastly. Over time, I learned an important lesson-- I am me, regardless of any other factor. I am me when I am happy. I am me when I am sad. I am me when I am experiencing any of the many emotions humans are capable of feeling. Our spectrum of emotion is wide-- and I find that impossibly beautiful. I learned that although situations, relationships, and surroundings change, one thing stays the same-- I am me. Although my likes, my dislikes, my talents, and my weaknesses may change over time-- I will always be me. It's an interesting dichotomy-- being something that stays the same yet changes. In a feeble attempt to define it, I'd say that we're people who stay the same because we're always changing. There's that cheesy quote that floats around the web-- "the only thing you can count on is change." It's got some worth to it though, doesn't it? Life constantly ebbs and flows around us, but we can always count on having ourselves. Fluctuating with a myriad of factors, I change from day to day. However, I am always myself. It's a beautifully difficult thing to try and verbalize-- but it's something that I feel strongly within myself. And something that I think everyone feels at some point in their existence, and in some way. It's a powerful thing, when you realize that sadness is just as beautiful as happiness, because we learn from both. I'm in no way romanticizing depression, and saying that it's hip to dwell on being melancholy. What I am saying, is that life naturally takes its course, and although we hope for it to be happy all the time, we shouldn't fear the sad times. For in them, we learn things that happiness cannot ever teach us. Life is a gorgeously dynamic mix of negatives and positives, and I think that when we're able to embrace the entire spectrum, we're able to reach our maximum potential as humans. Certainly easier said than done, I'll give you that. But certainly worth striving toward.

ELEVEN CURES FOR THE WORST DAYS

      Sometimes days are just rough. Try as you might, things don't go as planned. And not in a good, exciting, spontaneous type of way-- I'm talking about in a horrible, disastrous, aggravating, type of way. You wake up late and have to grab a stale piece of toast as breakfast, instead of savoring the omelette and crepe feast you were planning the night before. The hot water runs out while you're showering, because someone upstairs starts the dishwasher, washing machine, and runs a bath. The only thing on the radio is generically electronic remixes of already atrocious songs by Pitbull. Does this sound familiar? Do you have days like this? If the answer is yes, then I have a solution for you! I have compiled a list of products and practices to employ on those sticky types of days. Everything on this list is a relatively quick fix-- this isn't a list of extravagant, expensive, or exhausting things. (Although, be prepared for that list to someday be posted on this blog, and know that "Buy new Kate Spade pumps" will be top of the list.) But really--too often I stumble upon these lists of things to do to cheer yourself up, but all of the things take too much planning, too much money, or too much energy to achieve. And I'm lazy, broke, and tired! This is a different type of list. A list for us common people! A list for the Third Estate! Down with the aristocrats! (Sorry, once an AP Euro student, always an AP Euro student.) All French Revolution references aside, I made this list to be REALISTIC. These are things you can implement in your life easily, but that still have great effect. (Or at least they have for me.) Like, enough rambling, let's get to the list already.

1. Take a bath using Bloke's Coffee and Sweet Orange Body Scrub. I was generously gifted some of this miracle substance by a friend, and my bathing experience has forever been changed. Omg you guys this is a game changer. Not only does it smell divine, but the caffeine and other all-natural ingredients render your skin looking rejuvenated and awake. I use it on my body as well as on my face. Also sometimes a little bit slips into my mouth while I'm rinsing it off, and while I'm not condoning consumption of a body scrub, it tastes outrageously good too. (blokebody.com, $14.95 for 8 oz.)

2. Enhance your showering experience with an AbcoTech Shower Speaker. I have a strange love for warm water. I find it to be one of the most soothing things and can often be found in the shower or bath. (As you can likely deduce from the fact that the first two things on this list pertain to warm water.) I thought that showers couldn't get any better, and then I found the shower speaker. It rocked my world and only heightened my love for showering. (Clarification: loving showering is very different than loving washing your hair.) The speaker syncs via Bluetooth with the device of your choice, and comes in an array of cheery colors. (amazon.com, $24.97)

3. Lather some Udderly Smooth Hand Cream on those scaly hands of yours! I first heard about this product on my sister's blog, and despite her glowing recommendation, was definitely still a little skeptical about it due to the product name. But unsavory name aside, this hand cream is unbeatable. I've tried countless creams, butters, and salves, but this is my favorite of them all. Take it from someone with chronically arid skin, this stuff is gold. And the price of it doesn't suck either. (walgreens.com, $2.99 for 4 oz.)

4. Go to Sephora and peruse the perfume section. I find that I'm abnormally influenced by scent, and thus, I find this to be therapeutic. Find one of the Sephora associates and ask to get some samples of your favorite fragrances. In my experience, they're gracious about offering samples, so don't be too intimidated by their flawless eyeliner to speak up. I recommend Flowerbomb by Viktor & Rolf, Chanel Chance Eau Tendre, Eau so Fresh by Marc Jacobs, and Prada Candy. Spritz on your new fragrances, toss a few of the samples in your drawers to freshen up your clothes, and if you want to get really crazy, after a few times of sampling it, purchase a full sized version of the scent. I even keep my samples on in a dish on my armoir and give them a smell on a particularly dreary day. It's like a free oxygen bar. I'm officially the cheapskate of the year.

5. Enjoy a heaped spoonful of Trader Joes' Speculoos Cookie Butter. The Greek Gods have their Ambrosia, and I have my Cookie Butter. That's right-- I'm putting this stuff on an equal level with an elusive mythological elixir. I eat it straight from the jar, smothered on waffles, dolloped over ice cream, or melted over popcorn. In the words of Guy Fieri, "You could put this stuff on a flip-flop and I'd eat it." (Trader Joes stores, $3.69 for 14 oz.)

7. Watch an episode of Gilmore Girls or The Office. Both are tip-top favorites of mine. They offer enough drama to keep you interested, but not too much to make you distressed. (Ahem, Gossip Girl, I'm talking to you. Tone down the twists and turns, my heart can only handle so much!) They both feature fast-talking, witty, relatable characters, in lovable East Coast locations. Although, let's be real, I'd live in Stars Hollow over Scranton any day. Lovable for their own reasons-- let's put it that way. Really any episode of either one is worth watching, and with natural story-lines, there's no need to watch chronologically. Both series are available on Netflix.

8. Be outside. I find that I feel leaps and bounds better if I get outside. It's something that I initially am reluctant to do, as I am seriously a fan of curling up in bed with my laptop, but something that I am ultimately grateful to have done. Don't quote me on this, but I believe that beautiful scenery, an abundance of oxygen-giving flora, and physical activity are all proven to enhance your mood. There's probably research and studies to back me up on this. Right? K thanks. If you're athletically-gifted or whatever, take the sport you're talented at, and do it outside. If you're like me and Mia Thermopolis, and you have zero coordination, go hiking. ("I am a synchronized swimming, yoga-doing... horseback-riding, wall-climbing- type girl. My hand-eye coordination is zero" - Mia Thermopolis, PrinCESS of Genovia, "The Princess Diaries") If you won't even go hiking, simply walk through a garden. If there's no gardens in bloom, walk through a plant store. I recommend Cactus and Tropicals. Good playlist, nice temperature, and if you go on Saturdays, there's a really cute dog who looks like a storm cloud. No really, I die of the cuteness every time I see him. Ha, no excuses now!

9. Eat a bowl of piping hot Mac and Cheese. Anyone who has spent five minutes around me knows my fanaticism for this food. According to my mother, the love-affair started when I turned one and would only eat pasta. Fast forward a few years, and I can still be found at any given time with a cheese sauce mustache. Nothing compares to homemade mac, but if you must go commercial, there are two options. 1. Annie's Organic Mac and Cheese-- honestly anything that has a bunny rabbit as its logo is a give-in favorite product for me... but the tender noodles enrobed in zippy cheese sauce will convert you as well. 2. Noodles and Company Mac and Cheese-- if you lack even the energy to make boxed mac, Noodles and Company is your option. Soft elbow pasta swimming in a perfectly creamy bath of cheddar and heavy cream make this another go-to of mine.

10. Use Neutrogena cleansing wipes. One of the things I hate most is taking off my makeup and washing my face. The other thing I hate the most is going to be with crusty mascara and flaky foundation still on my face. You do the math. It's a major conundrum. The solution? Neutrogena wipes. While I don't endorse them as a daily substitution to washing your face, they're a perfect solution for those days, or rather nights, when you KNOW you don't have energy to lather and rinse. They successfully remove most of my eye makeup, as well as wipe away foundation. It's like getting a makeup remover and face wash all in one. Plus they smell good. I keep a pack in my gym bag to clean my face from sweat after a work out. That package doesn't get much use, but one of these days I WILL make it to the gym and I WILL use those wipes and I WILL be grateful that I packed them. (neutrogena.com, $7.49 for 20 wipes)

11. Visit Whole Foods. I have a dear friend named Ariana, whom I regrettably don't see as much as I used to. (Not seeing your friends everyday is maybe my only beef with high school ending.) As such, we often carve out time to catch up on what cute long-haired boys we've met, what poetry we're writing and reading, and let's face it: what gossip we've discovered. The venue for these pow-wows is always Sugarhouse, and always in a specific order. First, beverage and pastry consumption at Sugarhouse Coffee. Second, thrift shopping at Home Again. Third, lotion-testing at SLC Hemp. Fourth, perusing at Whole Foods. Fifth, a victory lap of plant-gazing at Cactus and Tropicals. But back to Whole Foods: you guys it's the best! It's here that I purchase some of my most favorite things. 1. Hand-Crafted Soaps: I love the Lime & Green Tea and the Jasmine. 2. Lounge Clothes: especially their sherpa-lined leggings aka A CLOUD TURNED INTO PANTS. 3. Love and Toast chapstick: my all-time favorite brand of lip balm, I recommend the Ginger Fizz and the Coconut Lime.


Well there you have it! 11 things to make those frustrating days a little bit more bearable. Why 11 items on this list? Why not 10? Why not 15? 1. I'm borderline carpel tunnel here with all this typing. 2. My class starts in 2 minutes and I don't want to be THAT girl who blogs during lectures. 3. I was born on June 11th. Satisfied?

WELCOME BACK TO ME

     Yeah, so, I haven't written for like a month and a half. So what? If you're looking for an apology, you won't find it here. Tough love? Maybe. But I don't feel that my lack of posting prompts an apology. Why not? I feel that I have more important things to do with my life than update this silly narcissist-fest. More importantly: I feel that you you have more important things to do with your life than read this silly narcissist-fest. Miraculously, both of our lives go on, regardless of what happens in this tiny corner of the web! Nonetheless, I am happy to be back here posting.
    In terms of social media, a month and a half is a very long time to recap. With endless different ways to go about writing a "come-back" post, I've selected one that I feel will be the least painful for you and I. This is to skip the nitty-gritty and stick with the general. To skip telling you about what designs of wrapping paper I used this Christmas. To skip telling you about the time I forced McKenna to listen to Lou Reed in the car. To skip telling you about the time that I got sick with tonsillitis for three weeks. No really, I'll skip it. I'll say no more. Instead, I'll recap the past month with some representation of sorts. (Is representation the best word to describe it? Would analogy be better? Allegory? Symbolism? This is a plea for all of my fellow AP-Lit buddies to read this post and then alert me as to which literary device most accurately describes the style of this post!!! Serious inquiry!!!) So, without further ado, I'll describe my car ride on the way to class today, as a representation of the entire past month.
     I got in the car. Somehow my windshield had frozen over with ice. No, not the typical type of freeze where the ice covers the OUTSIDE of the windshield. No, this was something altogether different. My entire windshield was frosted, on the inside of my car. Trying to use a car scraper on a concave curve is significantly harder than using one on a convex curve, in case you were wondering. But then: joy of all joys! I found my previously-MIA, ginger-flavored lip balm! I'd been deeming it lost for weeks, and here it was, resting on the passenger seat. With newfound exuberance, I began driving. A simple task? Usually, yes. In this instance, no--due to the styrofoam cup of pasta I was attempting to eat from, while simultaneously controlling a vehicle. Why the cup of pasta? Because I'm in college, and would I really be a genuine college student if I wasn't eating dirt cheap pasta, in a makeshift container, on the go? Soon I realized that it would be wiser to put the cup in a cupholder, as opposed to my original method of manual balance. This was originally a great decision, because, duh, two hands on a wheel makes it easier to avoid hitting my neighbor's cat. However, due to the close proximity of my car's heating vents to the cupholders, my entire vehicle soon smelled like fettuccine alfredo. And so my car ride continued, switching dynamically between good and bad, and after a few more twists and turns, ultimately ending with "You Don't Know How it Feels" by Tom Petty coming on the radio. (So obviously the ride ended on a good note) And as alluded to earlier, just like my car ride with its dichotomy of positives and negatives: the last month and a half has been the same way. It's spanned the full spectrum of good and bad, offering endless learning opportunities along the way. (This is me trying to take the optimistic route, instead of cynically focusing on the negatives. New Years resolutions y'all...)
     Well, there you have it. With my month and a half leave of absence taken, I return as your humble servant, providing you my daily ramblings. It's good to be back, goooooood to be back.

POETRY ON A THURSDAY: "THOUGHTS ON THE SOUL"

Another piece that I've been working on as of late-- obviously a very rough first draft, but I'm hoping it resonates with some of you. As always, I'm appreciative of any feedback-- negative or positive. Contact me at samjweed@gmail.com. 

"Thoughts on the Soul" by Samantha Jane Weed

I know not why the obtuse black hole reaches endlessly

In a cold chasm of desperation.

But I know that when I lay next to someone long enough

And my breath falls into steady, sleepy rhythm

The touch of their hand on the soft small of my back

No longer startles me as it does in waking hours

I know not the silky aqua, crackled gold, and velvety magenta prisms

Which reflect and cascade in a nebula.

But I know the steady brown of my eyes

Deep pools of Earth
Delicately flecked around the rims

With bands of foiled copper

I know not the elemental properties of Saturn

With its matted, smooth clay rings.

But I know that when the drums begin their cascading riffs

The voices begin their avant-garde wailing

The guitar speeds up with tumbling strums

And the bass drops in an aftershock of effervesence

My slender hands instinctively tap against my legs

In sync with the beat

Just as my dad’s hands do against his own knees

I know not the glittering constellations of this galaxy.

But I know the speckled formations of the freckles

That stamp my neck in a whimsical clump

And dot my arms in tender webs

I know not the vast infinites of outer space.

But I know the vast infinities of my soul

The soul: a field of study more complex

More mysterious

More dimensional

Than the whole universe above.