1. If you're taking the airport shuttle, there is no need to exercise that day. Between running to catch the shuttle, lifting your suitcase into the shelves, and contracting your abs to keep yourself from tipping over each time the shuttle turns, you are getting a full body workout that even Jillian Michaels would envy.
2. If you're doing carry-on luggage as opposed to checking bags, place your quart-sized bag with 3.4 oz toiletries in your purse. This way you don't have to rifle through your entire suitcase to find it at the security scanners. You can simply pull it out of your purse and stick it in the bins for the scanning belt. Your efficient speed will make you everyone's favorite travel buddy.
3. Once you get to your gate, sort through your toiletries. Since they've already been checked and approved, you can now separate them into logical locations. Place your oft-used items like chapstick, hand sanitizer, and lotion in your purse. Place your lesser-used items like foundation, mascara, and face wash in your suitcase. Throw away that nasty quart sized bag that no doubt has leaky dribbles from each toiletry item because NO MATTER HOW TIGHTLY YOU SCREW THE LIDS THEY ALWAYS LEAK!!! (Mad about it.)
4. At the gate, befriend the babies around you. My thought process is that if you befriend them, perhaps they'll respect you enough to not scream in your ears for the three-hour flight. This time around, I befriended a baby that I'll call "Squeaky." After I let her play with my necklace (I watched her closely to avoid choking hazards), Squeaky and I reached a level of respect unparalleled by any other. She didn't scream at all on the flight, and I am confident this is due to my practiced theory. (Surely it couldn't be due to good parenting by her Mom and Dad! Surely, not!)
5. I get selected to do the full-body scan a ridiculous amount of times. Why they won't let me just walk through the metal detector, I do not know. Maybe it's the menacing look on my face? Hmm. However, after years of careful observation by myself and my sister Emily, we have discovered that your chances at being selected for the scan increase greatly if you wear purple, and decrease greatly if you wear brown. The jury's still out on black. We'll need to do some more field research before that statistic is ready.
6. iPods are heaven-sent. Make a playlist that has an array of songs-- both peppy and mellow, so that you're prepared for whatever mood you happen to be in. Not only will the music help the time pass more quickly, but it also allows you to gaze dramatically out the window while pretending that you're in a movie and the music is the soundtrack. (Oh c'mon you know you've done it.) My playlist for this trip included Alice Cooper, Phantogram, Bob Dylan, Kid Cudi, The Rolling Stones, and Fergie. (Because, duh, is there a better song than "Glamorous"???????)
7. Don't buy airport food!!! Omg it is so bad. Not only does it cost an arm and a leg, but it also tastes horrendous. Regardless of your careful selection of a franchise restaurant that you normally love, and regardless of your cautious order of a seemingly safe menu item, IT WILL TASTE LIKE A PIECE OF CARDBOARD DIPPED IN LIGHTER FLUID AND THEN LEFT AT SEA FOR 40 YEARS. I highly recommend packing yourself some snacks and bringing a water bottle to fill up once you've passed security.
8. Once you arrive at your gate, stake out the best location for waiting to board. Look for key factors like: nearby a power outlet, far from the man eating the tuna sandwich, within reasonable distance from ticket counter and restrooms, and most importantly: nearby an attractive boy. I really lucked out on this flight with finding an open seat next to a guy with gorgeous, long black hair, a snuggly RVCA sweatshirt, and a love for Seinfeld. WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR IN A MAN?
9. Bring earplugs. Not only will they cancel out the noise from the baby that you failed to befriend, they'll keep your ears from filling with fluid. Gross, right? But it's true. I find that I'm more prone to ear-fillage when I've dealing with a cold, but it still happens to me to some extent even when I'm in good health. Basically what happens is your ear canals fill up with fluid, preventing you from hearing. It drains after a couple of days, but it's aggravating and just plain disgusting. If you don't get ear-fillage, but you find your ears popping a lot on planes, the plugs will help with that too. Plus, it gives you a new excuse to be anti-social. "Oh whoops, I can't hear you, guess we can't chat, sorry!" WIN-WIN!
10. Please, for the love of all things good in this world, don't fall asleep and drool on the innocent girl sitting next to you who doesn't know you and certainly doesn't want your saliva dribbling onto her sweater. (Hi there, run-on sentence. Whoops.) But really, that innocent girl is just trying to read her Real Simple magazine and eat her complimentary honey-mustard pretzel twists. (Innocent girl = me. Mr. Seat 14A if you're reading this, I'm still embittered toward your narcolepsy and your overactive salivary glands.)
But wait, there's more! As a special holiday gift to you, and you, and you (Wait, I don't even have three readers. Shoot.) I've included a list of five people you inevitably see at the airport:
1. The Grandma
She doesn't actually understand the concept of air travel, as she's still in favor of station-wagon transportation. She loudly complains about how long everything is taking, while persistently trying to suck, with a straw, the last remnants of her Snapple. She drums her maroon fingernails on the arm rest, and is without a doubt sporting bedazzled Sketchers, ill-fitting jeans, and a sweater with watercolor cats on it. She likely uses a new racial slur in every sentence out of her wrinkly, burgundy lips. (Can you tell I dislike the elderly? Working for four years at a bakery where 90% of the cliental is over the age of 90 will do that to you. Am I being irrational, rude, and impatient here? Yes. Whoops.)
2. The Flawless
She looks like a mix of Lauren Conrad, Blake Lively, and Beyonce. She's wearing a sophisticated, yet laid-back outfit, that features a blazer, perfectly-flattering jeans, and heels, all of which are in shades of camel, gold, and black. She has freshly-dyed highlights, is carrying a buttery leather Marc Jacobs bag, and seems to glide onto the plane in an effortless cloud of chic. Freaky Friday body switch please and thank you!
3. The New Mom
Brightly colored blankets, fleece onesies, and teddy bears poke out of her suitcase, purse, and pockets. The look of sheer panic marks her face, as she holds her breath that her child will even somewhat cooperate this time. She wears old jeans, a crew neck long-sleeved tee, and a hoodie. (Baby vomit-prevention outfit.) I salute you, New Mom, you have my respect. May the odds be ever in your favor. (Insert Hunger Games salute and whistle here.)
4. The Veteran
This guy flies more miles than he drives. His luggage is concisely compacted into a tiny, aerodynamic, metal suitcase. He single-handedly keeps Ralph Lauren and Hugo Boss in business. He knows exactly how much time he'll need to arrive at the gates, and thus is rarely seen sitting in the waiting areas. However, if he is spotted there, he won't be caught dead without his New York Times and Starbucks coffee.
5. The Girl Group
Now technically this isn't a single person, but rather a group. However, I'm still including it because it's such a prevalent denomination on airplanes. This is a group of 50 year old women, usually in a cluster of 5-6. They're on a connecting flight to either Florida, New Jersey, or Nevada. They loudly discuss their love for Long Island Iced Tea, zebra print acrylic nails, and Patrick Dempsey. LOUDLY.
Well that's my two cents about air travel. One last tip: BYOBB (bring your own barf bags).
Happy Thanksgiving, y'all!
The classic airport selfie. Look closely and you'll see my phone in the reflection of my glasses. I'm a rat.
