This morning started out with me injuring myself in an arguably strange and embarrassing manner. I was rolling out of bed (Literally I roll off the side of my bed, and then stand up) and somehow my legs got tangled and I gashed open my leg with my toenail. How's that for graceful? Way lady-like. The best way I can describe the motion is this: picture a goblin that is allergic to grass trying to get across a meadow. You're welcome. I assure you that I practice fairly good hygiene- including regularly trimming my nails. I'm not a candidate for the Guiness Book of World Records' Strange Bodies section. I HAVE NORMAL FEET. I'm merely considering it a moment of unfortunate leg tangling and ill-placement of my foot, and nothing more, case closed. (Just slightly self-conscious about this morning's incident, don't mind me.) So besides that whole toenail incident, I'd say it was a pretty good morning. ESPECIALLY considering that I listened to Destiny's Child on the way to school. ("Say My Name" is such a classic. Listen to it immediately.)
Today in my Shakespeare class, we discussed Romeo and Juliet. More specifically, we discussed the scene where Romeo initially denies Tybalt's jab to fight, but then, he ultimately caves to temptation, and kills Tybalt. This was a disastrous move on Romeo's part. He's been married to Juliet for a solid hour, and he's already murdering her kinsmen. Way great job, Romeo. What a surefire way to win over the in-laws. Ha. It's easy to do what I've just done, and pin Romeo as a hot-headed, immature, brash man. It's easy to see him as weak and stupid. Easy, that is, until you realize that it's human nature to do what he did.
No seriously, I'm not just defending Romeo because he had good hair, I really do think there's something deeply relevant about his actions in this scene. They are so vividly demonstrative of human nature. I see it as a cycle. (Someday I will publish this cycle in a psychology textbook, and it will have some official name, but until then: I will merely refer to it merely as a "cycle.") Anyways, this cycle goes as follows. 1. One initially overcomes temptation. They resist the urge, they fight the feeling, they deny the allure. For Romeo, this is when he tells Tybalt that he has only love and respect for him, and won't fight him. 2. A sense of celebratory confidence and vanity ensues. One feels rather proud of themselves for overcoming the temptation, and as such, they let down their guard, falsely believing that they are now invincible to the temptation and will automatically overcome it each time from now on. This step is often sub-conscious. For Romeo, this is when he jauntily removes himself from the fray. 3. One then falls to temptation. They slip back into old habits, they cave to the pressures, they make a mistake. For Romeo, this is when he returns after Mercutio's death and fatally stabs Tybalt. 4. A sense of guilt, shame, and self-loathing encompasses one's soul. They feel so disappointed in themselves for falling to the temptation. 5. A vow is taken to never make that mistake again, and to move forward, living in a better manner.
And then we're back to the beginning, with the person then making a good decision by overcoming temptation. The whole cycle goes on and on and on. But must it?
This cycle is something that I've been experiencing in my own life. I feel like in regard to several different weaknesses that I deal with, I follow this pattern. However, I'm striving to prove myself wrong and break the previously self-dubbed "unbreakable cycle." I'm striving to stop at step 5, and not repeat the entire cycle. I'm striving to make that good decision and then make another, and another, and another, and to shatter the death trap of false progress.
But it's hard. Sometimes I feel like I can't see the whole picture. Sometimes it's hard to remember that if I fall to that temptation, I'll be continuing the vicious cycle. Sometimes it's hard to remember that if I can overcome the temptation, and then do it again, and again, and again, my life will be much happier. Much fuller. Much lovelier. Gahhhh who knew that Shakespeare could still apply, centuries later.
On a completely different note, fall has begun to arrive. I was at work today (At unnamed retail position that I probably shouldn't disclose on the World Wide Web.) Anyways, at work I looked out the window and my stomach fluttered with excitement upon realizing that storm clouds were beginning to join together. More and more of the heavy clouds connected, until the entire sky was blanketed and battered with blue-ish grey. The sky resembled a very large, smoky kitten. I sat there inside, smelling the cozy candles and admiring the brooding lamp light that shone against the walls in a very personal manner. And soon, it started to rain. Heavy, purposeful drops plonked (Yeah, plonked) against the cement outside and my soul began to rejoice. I will never be able to fully explain what it is about stormy days that makes me feel so alive. It's the same feeling that I get when lighting candles, watching leaves spew about in wind gusts, donning sweaters and coats, wearing black, and reading exquisite literature. Really, those are some of the things that make me feel most like myself. So essentially, if I could live in a perpetual autumn that would be just swell, because the other three seasons are highly overrated in my book.
To make an already fulfilling evening even better, my Shakespeare textbook arrived. It's red. It's embossed. It's over 1,000 pages. It's the complete works of the bard. It has ribbon bookmarks. And it's mine, all mine. The rest of tonight's agenda includes me and that book and not much else.
Oh and the kitten-grey sky, him too.
