"Listen and Remember" by Samantha Jane Weed
Once it was Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night”
Bright confetti sweaters
Crystalline pink lip-gloss
Perfecting the sassy flip and tousle of my silky hair
It was applying eyeliner for the first time
That easy, creamy pencil gliding along my lash line-
No longer naive
Or innocent
Or virgin
But now defiantly marked
With the stamp of a teenage skank
Maybelline’s “True Black” kohl eye pencil
It was wearing tank tops without a cardigan
Over
Or a t-shirt
Under
My soft, olive shoulders exposed
And noticed
It was partying with her
My partner in crime
Before it all went bad
It was October mystery and mirth
Socializing under the sorcerer's velvety purple sky
Socializing under the chaperoning beams of stadium lights
Socializing against the rabbled backdrop of announcer's voices
Our teeth chattering in the autumn chill
Our bodies cuddled in cabled sweaters and thick woolen socks
And our luckiest pairs of jeans
And still freezing
But secretly loving the bossy cold because it signified the
jittery prospect
Of the new season
It was watching horror movies, while being held in his
rugged arms
Held
By a boy
A boy that loved me
And wanted to hold me forever
A boy that I could not love
But oh
Oh so very dearly wanted to
Once it was Imagine Dragons’ “Demons”
Bare trees
Their leaves crunching on the ground below
Fog hanging in a swirling band across our mountain
Solitude and introspection
It was abandonment
It was confusion
It was rumors
It was rushing down the labyrinthed halls
My cheetah ballet flats peppering the caramel tile as I
dashed
It was pushing through the cobwebbed back door
That squeaked with alarm at my bellowing push
It was turning the ignition key
Away
Away
Away
Anywhere but there
With all those people
Those dozens of people
Whispering
A boy I had put my trust in had betrayed that sacred act
We used to meet some nights
Under the inky sky, dotted with glittering stars
I felt perfectly petite and delicate
As I curled up in his ample arms
I felt surrounded
And protected
But what I didn’t realize
Is that being surrounded doesn’t always mean shelter
And safety
Sometimes it means entrapment
And vulnerability
Once it was Sammy Adams’ “All Night Longer”
Hooking up with boys who wore dangerous clothes and had
heavy trust funds
Profanities regarding girls who slandered our lifestyle
But secretly wished they had our gumption
Ordering fast food with the sole intention of socialization
with the other patrons
It was cruising up and down the boulevards
With our stereos blasting
Echoing
Into the wise, and judgmental galaxies above
It was ignoring the 64 pages of AP European History textbook
reading
And the looming deadline for the yearbook
And the unfinished annotations of Jane Eyre
It was instead being boldly young, and brashly crazy
And raspily irresponsible
It was frequenting Molca Salsa
Our local Mexican diner
Complete with a sassy neon sign
Kitchy linoleum floors
And perfectly sugared churros
And perfectly strange boys
It was my heart thudding deep in its hollow cavern
A thousand sparks sputtering in my stomach
As we crept up to his front door
Over the pebbly asphalt
Through the dewy grass
On to the scratchy, fibrous doormat
And pressed that glowing bell
And then ran
Ran
Ran
Ran
Ran
Running from him
Into the promise and deliverance of the car
Running from everything
Into ignorance and oblivion
Because that was easier than actually confronting my
feelings
Once it was Tegan and Sara’s “Closer”
“Flowerbomb” perfume
Muddling in a sleepy delusion, through the dim halls
Moody skies that meant Neff beanies
Anticipation of the year at hand
It was sneaking out of a house that swelled with quiet
And dashing into the seductive freedom of midnight air
Surrendering reputation
Shunning obedience
To see him
His Icelandic eyes, ebbed with currents of stormy grey
His muscular, yet comfortable build
His fitted, faded, speckled sweatshirts
And jaunty, swaggering walk
And purposeful mouth
Him
Him
Him
He was my focus
He instead of me
Once it was Big Data’s “Dangerous”
Smothering togetherness
Undercut by
Echoing desolation
It was 347 hours spent studying for a test
A test, now conquered
2,650 hours spent on a publication
A publication, now distributed to the masses
Innumerable hours spent avoiding the girls with matching
sweater sets
Girls, now headed miles away from me
The year was finished
Nine months, now behind me
The experience was finished
Three years, now gone in a blink
The program held my name, with all its familiar curves
The ebbs of "S" and crags of "W"
Sixteen letters, all in all, if you care to count them
Embossed into the ivory, glazed-finish paper
And I was about to emboss a mark, into the minds of hundreds
All seated before me
All pondering the same three years as I
My size 7 black Steve Madden wedges shuttled my body to the podium
And afterward
My 1997 green Subaru Outback shuttled that same body
Now dazed with the prospect of the vast future
To my congratulatory dinner
But felicitations didn’t feel appropriate
Condolences did
Once it was Grouplove’s “Tongue Tied”
Elite grunge
Fluorescent lights cast against cacti
Gauzy fog blanketing the desert sky
Achy longing to caress his salty blonde hair
We connected
Our gazes linked
He on stage- twisting with the passion ridden by his art
And me below- swaying in the Indian-Summer breeze to vibe of
the art he offered
Our conversation allied
Trading witticisms
Back and forth
With sly smiles
And whispered seductions
In a New York-style pizza joint
Tagged by legends of the decades
And now tagged by us
Our lips locked
Mine scholarly and full
Poised upward
His experienced and gentle
Poised downward
Our hearts found each other that night
And someday
I believe
They’ll meet again
I am often reminded
Of situations
Of people
Of places
By the music that I hear
The glossy melodies
And gyrating rhythms
And knowing lyrics
Snag memories, buried deep in my cerebral cortex
Of the time associated with that piece
The time when I discovered the song
And listened to it on end
To help me endure
Or help me relish
Whatever life had brought that day
And so it goes
More experiences
More songs
More memories
All life
Years from now,
When I look back on this moment-
This flourishing moment right here
What song will it be?
