A LUCKY SHIRT AND CONFIDENCE

    Someone once remarked to me, "I wish I had your confidence." Which got me thinking, because until that moment, I hadn't really thought of myself as confident. So then of course my brain started swirling with all notions regarding confidence, because, hyper-active brains tend to do that sort of thing. I realized that confidence is a word kind of like consequence, and not just because they both use the morpheme "con" (meaning "with" ex: chile con carne). They're similar, because they're both misunderstood and thus, misused. Consequence is misunderstood and misused as something bad that happens as a result of a choice. Confidence is misunderstood and misused as narcism. However, neither of those definitions are correct. Consequence simply means the repercussion, good or bad, that follows a choice-- it doesn't have to be negative, it can be positive. Confidence simply means trusting in something-- it doesn't have to be trusting that you are the best person, it can mean trusting that you are the worst person. My point here is that there is a spectrum of confidence. You can have confidence, aka trust, that you are a lowly, worthless, mundane human. Or you can have confidence, aka trust, that you are an infallible, perfect, supreme human. Neither of those is a healthy mindset, and when I thought about it, neither of those is the type of confidence that I have.

      The confidence that I have is a neutral sort of confidence- I'm not the worst, and I'm not the best. I have bits of flaws and bits of strengths, and with those, I'm me. I have confidence, aka I trust, that those flaws are just important as those strengths, and that I am going to fail and going to succeed, and that it will all work out. To put it simply: there are things that I hate about myself and things that I love about myself. And for some unexplainable reason, I feel the need to share those lists with you. 

Things that I dislike about myself: 

-I tend to cling overwhelmingly to people that are important to me.

-I overanalyze EVERYTHING. 

-I hold grudges indefinitely. 

-I procrastinate crucial things and prioritize frivolous things. 

-I struggle with staying focused on life goals and lose motivation regarding them easily. 

-I don't like the shape of my nose in silhouette perspective.

-I don't like how dark the hair on my arms is. 

-I often rationalize bad decisions through various methods.

-I'm cynical about mankind.

-I'm easily irritable. 

Things that I like about myself. 

-I fiercely protect the people that I love.

-I am unafraid of stating my opinion, even if it's unpopular.

-When I notice good in others, I tell them. 

-I take conscientious care of this earth. 

-If I realize I'm wrong, I admit it. 

-I like my long eyelashes.

-I like the shape of my fingernails. 

-I am aware of my feelings and others' feelings. 

-I like the freckle on my stomach and the freckles on my neck. 

-I am able to convey my feelings verbally. 

10 and 10. 10 hates, and 10 loves. -10 + 10 = 0. See what I mean about neutrality? I guess I believe that the pieces of me that are bad, and the pieces of me that are good, make me multi-dimensional, human, and uniquely me. I have confidence, I trust that I am neither all bad, nor all good, but that I am me, and that I am going to do big, big things with this life. 

Well that's about all that I've got for today. On a much less philosophical note, I'm now eating shark fruit snacks (undeniably the best type) after finishing my history test. I feel really good about the test and I totally owe the success to my good luck charms. I have about 50 different things that I've deemed lucky over the years. I brought two with me today-- my lucky otter named Chinook who hails from stormy Seattle, and my lucky copper shirt that I was wearing at the Grouplove concert. (SO LUCKY!) And now I'm rambling about otters and Grouplove and it's definitely time to sign off.

The lucky shirt itself.